Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.