Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.