Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.