Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.