Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.