Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.