Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.