Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'