Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.