Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.