Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."