Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.