Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!