Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.