Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.