Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.