Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.