Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.