Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.