Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'