Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.