Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.