Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.