Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"