Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.