Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.