Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 5
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.