Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 5

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.