Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 7

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'