Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 7
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.