Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'