Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...