Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.