Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 4

Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!

It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.

I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.

You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!