Steve Martin Quotes and Jokes

188 quotes

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Always... no wait... never...

Into the mud, scum queen!

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.