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Steve Martin Quotes & Jokes

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By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

Sure, you can start now. Fire the janitor.

I am a wild and crazy guy!

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.