Steve Martin Quotes and Jokes


How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

Into the mud, scum queen!

The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.

Always... no wait... never...

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.