Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...