Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'