Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

I bought a portable cable TV.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

What is the speed of dark?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.