Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My father was a small claims court jester.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.