Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'