Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?