Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.