Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.