Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.