Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?