Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 10

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

We are the sum total of our choices...

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.