Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 10

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

We are the sum total of our choices...

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.