Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 9

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

God is either cruel or incompetent.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.