Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 16

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.