Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 16

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.