Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 17

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.