Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.