Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.