Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.