Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.