Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 19

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.