Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 19

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.