Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 20
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.
What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.