Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.