Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Living is messy.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.