Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.
What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.