Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.