Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22
What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!
For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.