Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.