Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.