Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 4

372 quotes

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.