Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 4

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.