Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 4

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.