Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 7
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something.