Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 8
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".
All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.
My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.