Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1118

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.

You might be a redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."

I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.