Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1118
Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.
You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.