Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1118
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”