Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1118
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you".
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.