Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1117

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"

It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.