Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1117

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."

If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.