Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I get so into the moment.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.

Oh yeah, I’m mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.