Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.