Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

I’ve got a bit of Scottish Blood… On my kitchen knife!!

President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.