Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s

You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.