Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.
Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind