Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.
We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.
I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.