Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

Nowhere is a great place to start.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

Why by a book when you can join a library.