Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197
We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.
You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.
You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
You might be a redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
I think we all remember that those first months after the attack, this country really was a very different country. I think we were ready to do anything. I think we would have marched into hell behind this guy... I think nobody in a position of leadership, not the Democrats, not the president, asked anyone in this country to rethink or redo anything. The most they asked us to do was to keep the economy going, to shop and go see shows again and travel.
Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.