Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

People only have so much attention.