Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.