Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I'm Rick James, bitch.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."

I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.

"The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.