Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.
And then we get here and five minutes after we arrive, the skies open up. It's completely nice and there was a rainbow above the thing we were shooting. So, I don't know, if God didn't want us to shoot, he sure fucked up today.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.