Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.