Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'
There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.
Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.
You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'