Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196
Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!
Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.