Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1258

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, "Does he bite?" and she said, "No." And I said, "So how does he eat?" Liar!

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.