Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1258
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, "Does he bite?" and she said, "No." And I said, "So how does he eat?" Liar!
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.