Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1257
You don’t need no gun control. We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. If a bullet cost $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. Every time somebody gets shot it’ll be like, “Man, he must have done something. Shit, they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.”
[talking about movie dates and how guys can never find their seats] So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I went to a store and the sign said Open 24 Hours. When I got there, there was guy outside locking it up. I said, “What are you doing, the sign says Open 24 hours?” And he said, “Not in a row.”
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” <br /> And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” <br /> He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” <br /> And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"