Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1257
I went to a store and the sign said Open 24 Hours. When I got there, there was guy outside locking it up. I said, “What are you doing, the sign says Open 24 hours?” And he said, “Not in a row.”
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
[showing an empty circle] This is a pie chart about procrastination.
[talking about movie dates and how guys can never find their seats] So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"
The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” <br /> And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” <br /> He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” <br /> And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.