Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 229
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
They’ve come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!
Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it - that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over USA like fungus from the toe.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I don't know that I can define fear. But one of the sources of fear is holding up some sort of model life that doesn't exist and feeling like you're far away from it.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...
After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.
I am completely and utterly hooked to all the great shows on A&E and Court TV that are about small town murder. These shows like "Forensic Files", "City Confidential", I just can't get enough of them. It's always the same sort of deal. You know that they interview the actual people that lived through the experience. I miss Paul Winfield as the host of "City Confidential", may he rest in peace.
There’s so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they could all have the same title: ‘Which One Of My Friends Is A Competitive Prick?’
People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?