Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 230

I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh - all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.

You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking - 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'

As the fly said while landing on the mirrored coffee table. Well... That's another way of looking at it.

I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.

See what we have here is a failure to communicate.

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.

I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.

What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.

I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!