Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 230

What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.

On Jerry Springer: “You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.”

As rewarding as a good film role can be, there is just nothing like getting up on a stage and taking an audience for a ride. You make a movie, and the audience may not see it for another 10 months. Here, you know immediately their reaction.

Shot down by a twenty-two year old waitress in breakaway panties!

I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just… old.

You release these things, and if they fly then you have more.

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.