Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 96
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, "Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead."
I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.
He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.
I sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."
Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.
What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.