Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 97
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, "You don't have to leave yet, do you? You haven't shoved a chainsaw up my ass yet! My head's still on my torso! I'm glad you fuckers can handle your high!"
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
They pulled out that dress, man - they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA - he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of court: 'Excuse me, your honor, she kept the dress.' 'What? Case dismissed - and get your nasty ass out of my court room. I should throw you in jail just for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass.'
Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.
Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.
Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I would rather live in than now… There’s a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity better than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that, and I believe this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them, as well as any other generation in America would have done. My advice to them would be to please don’t think of me as an entitled moocher when I’m collecting my government benefits.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.