Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 97
I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
When you talk to the manhood, mark your tone well. 'Cause if the manhood's insulted, then the manhood can't swell. If he doesn't feel strong, and he doesn't feel stout, then he'll sulk and he'll pout, and he'll never come out. So if you want that love to continue to thrive, Ladies, sit there, shut up, and let the dick drive.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
They pulled out that dress, man - they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA - he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of court: 'Excuse me, your honor, she kept the dress.' 'What? Case dismissed - and get your nasty ass out of my court room. I should throw you in jail just for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass.'
Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
Radio DJ's are the same two motherfucking asshole clowns all over the country. I hate radio interviews. 'You didn't know it David, but you're just in time for the Friday Morning Fart Song!' No, sorry, I'm not doing that. Even if it's only fifteen minutes, it's the worst fifteen minutes of your life. I don't care if you've been in a fucking shark attack. If I was in a shark attack, and then they had no anesthetic and they had to heal it up, sew it up, I would be like, 'This sucks,' but then if two DJ's came in and interviewed me I'd fucking shoot myself.