Quotes & Jokes by Bill Cosby / page 11
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
I'm here for a friend. I brought a couple of boxes of chocolate Jell-O.
We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”
Natural child birth means no drugs will be administered into the female’s body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants.
I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.