Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 4
Oh aye... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, "Have ye had enough?" Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? "Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question?"
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.