Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 5
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be... I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.