Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 5
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.