Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 5
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be... I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
I've sworn all my life. I'd swear all the time and I think it's rather good language. People say it's limited vocabulary that makes you swear well I don't think so. Cause my vocabulary I know at least ohh one hundred and twenty seven words. And I still prefer fuck. You see I've never found the English equivalent for fuck off. And it isn't 'go away'. Cause go away kind of dissipates doesn't it? Go awayyyyyy. Go awayyyyyy, shooooo. Shooooo. It's not conscious like FUCK OFF! It always works you know. And you never read, fuck off he hinted.