Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 5
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!