Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 6

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

I don't aim to offend.

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.