Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 6
But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.