Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 7

But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing.

Don't work out, work in.

Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Try to live in a place you like.