Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 7

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!

Don't work out, work in.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.