Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 7
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.