Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 7

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Don't work out, work in.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.