Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 4

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at? And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we've been through enough...

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Love is all about... whistles.