Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 5

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

Love is all about... whistles.

It’s a show that I hope feels intimate in theme, but bigger in presentation. I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey and Hans Teeuwen and I’m trying to synthesise elements of theatre into my show a little bit more. I want it to be surprising and rich and fun to watch, and maybe a little confusing. It’ll be very loud and very quiet and very sad and very happy, with things that have you leaving the theatre going, "what..." And not "what" with a question mark; just "what", period.

When life give you lemons... you probably just found lemons.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

The average person has one fallopian tube.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.