Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 5

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.