Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 5

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.