Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 5

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.