Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 5

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.