Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 10

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.

The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...