Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 10
The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.