Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 10
The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.
That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.