Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 11
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?
"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.