Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 11
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.
People talk to old people like they're children. 'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah, I'm old. I'm not stupid.
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?