Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 11
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.