Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 11
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.